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Scared of dating today’s younger African women? Try these.

By Bola Omotosho

Dating a younger woman can be fun and exciting. Just remember there is a fine line between that great older man who just gets her and that creepy guy at the end of the bar every woman in the place is carefully avoiding. To give her the right impression, try following these simple tips.

Be yourself: You are who you are and you know who that is, so be proud of it. There is no need to act like one of her friends the same age. She will know you are a fake and worse, so will you.

Do not try to buy her attentions: Buying her a drink to let her know you’re interested or taking her to dinner to get to know her better is one thing, but buying fancy gifts or showing off your car, house or other material objects is not how to win her affections. Doing that will only leave you broken hearted and with an empty wallet.

Try to understand her: Younger women usually want excitement in their lives. If you are going to be part of her life, you will probably spend your nights in clubs with her friends. She will expect you to dance with her and have a good time, and not be a wall flower or just hang by your drink at their table.

This is going to seem contradictory, but it isn’t: While we just said not to buy her fancy gifts, and we mean that, that does not mean do not buy her gifts. Be reasonable and fun with them. Send her a bouquet of flowers or balloons to her work place with a sweet note. If you know she loves a certain chocolate, buy her a box for a small occasion or no occasion at all, but save those expensive, showy gifts for the important dates and super special occasions.

Show your maturity by staying calm when she is upset: This does not mean that you are supposed be unemotional, but rather that you stay in control of your emotions, especially when it has nothing to do with your relationship. For example, she may get upset that her best friend was cheat on, but your best bet is to listen and be supportive; only offering advice when asked for.

Do not be a creep: Younger women generally date older men because older men have more self control that their younger counterparts. Prove this to her by keeping your hands to yourself and allowing her to start the physical side of your relationship. No one likes that creepy older guy whose hands are everywhere at once.

Let her have some freedom: You may want to spend every waking moment with your younger beauty, but many younger women are out on their own for the first time and are just discovering the freedom that being an adult offers. Be understanding of this and let her have her girls nights, spa days, and shopping trips. She may not say how she appreciates it, but she will show you.

Let inform her on time for a date: She may enjoy hanging out with her friends with you, but every once in a while take charge of the relationship. Depending on where your relationship is, take the time and plan out a nice night on the town for just the two of you or a quiet weekend away from it all. Just be sure to ask her ahead of time and let her know that you will be making plans for the two of you then or you may be disappointed that she has already filled her time.

Be prepared to be spontaneous: I know that sounds a bit weird, but younger women sometimes hear an idea and decide that they want to do it now and want you to do it with them. That means that you have to be ready to say yes to them and go with the flow and have fun.

Lastly, do not ignore your obligations: While going out and having fun is a great thing, as an older man you have obligations in your life. The most notable is probably your job, which keeps you in the nice older man column and out of the unemployed creep column for most women. If you need to stay in to work on a project, say so. She may be initially disappointed but will respect you in the long run.

 

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Long distance love: trials and challenges

By  Amara (submitted by Favor)

Challenging and difficult! Though these may not be the words we want to hear, but the reality is that these are the words that best describe long distance relationships. Please note this, I did not say impossible, but challenging and difficult. I have noticed that in our culture as Africans, women suffer more when it comes to long distance relationships.

A long distance relationship is not different from any other relationship. It is as unique as every other relationship we get involved in. The only difference is that unlike other relationships, you will not have the privilege of seeing your partner as often as you desire. In that regard LDR does not help the intimacy aspect of your relationship. Another important thing, the issue of trust is an indispensable factor which must be taken into consideration before settling for a long distance relationship.

I decided to have this in the women’s column because in our Nigerian context, we are the ones at the receiving end when it comes to long distance relationship. In our country Nigeria, I see marriages in which a woman is made to stay for as long as ten years without setting her eyes on her man. The man who lives abroad comes home to get himself a wife because according to him, the Nigerian woman in the Diaspora have lost their distinctive Nigerian cultural perspectives and therefore are not good materials for marriage. You know every typical Nigerian wants a woman he can sit on and remote control and this has always been their major reason for coming back home to get a wife.

Most of these guys have had multiple marriages to different women in the West. When you see how our people live abroad (I don’t envy them), you will get to understand me better. Many are trapped; yes they live in the UK and USA, but you live a better life than they do. They get into marriages with much older women because they must have shelter over their heads and good food to eat. Many get married just to obtain a Green Card. They do all these and so much more to Nigerian for you.

I feel so sad when I see what some Nigerian ladies go through in the name of long distance relationships. I feel sad because our ladies are yet to begin to reason right. December is just by the corner and so many of these guys are warming up to come back and sweep you off your feet with chocolates, perfumes picked from Liverpool and Finsbury markets in London. Trust our guys coming from the USA, when they speak, they sound more American than the Americans themselves; and with all the bling-bling and fake designer wears, you see yourself falling for them. Some of these guys come home with lovely rides which they obtained under questionable conditions; either from a car hire or insurance. Ladies, shine your eyes. Not all that glitters is gold.

By the time they arrive in Naija, you get carried away and you break-up with your boyfriend with whom you have built a good foundation and are sure of, for a total stranger you know nothing about. Some of these JJC (Johnny Just Come) may even come from Morocco or Equatorial Guinea and will lie to you with confidence that they live in the USA, the UK, or Canada. Before you know what is happening, you have started singing the love songs to their ears. In the course of all these, you believe their lies and surrender your body to them which they exploit. Yes, you may have been introduced to him by his cousin or your friend, but should that make you a fool?

I used to think it was only the illiterates in our villages that fell for these guys, but now I see bankers and Lawyers who have fallen victims. I have had the privilege to meet with ladies who are doing so well in their chosen careers, but are constantly in tears because of this issue. I know a top banker here in Lagos who is a victim: for years now she and her lovely children have been abandoned here in Nigeria because she got involved with a man without asking questions to know his true identity. She laments about her ordeal and how she even travelled overseas to see him only for the man to ignore her and the kids. So many of them get back here and tell you they are married, but the marriage is to a white lady. You foolishly make yourself available as the black wife. You know what, as long as they live in that country and want to make it, they must be married to them .Why should you even try to get married to a man who is not single, divorced,or widowed? The so called big girls are the ones falling for these men because by the time they get into your bank and you are able to see the status of their account, you lose your senses.

There is this other banker who had a very decent man asking for her hand in marriage. The man who happened to be a very dedicated Christian made it clear to her that he wasn’t going to sleep with her before marriage. This became her problem, just like the ladies of today who believe they must sleep with a man before getting married to him. I expected this banker to even thank God for such a man who did not come to exploit her body. This lady insisted on sleeping with him but the man kept his integrity. Before we knew what was happening, she got pregnant for another guy; a JJC who had just returned to from the USA. This left the man who was so much in love with her devastated. Months later, she got married to her Yankee lover. A month after the marriage, he left Nigeria for his base.Girls, that was the last we heard of him; and it has been nine years. The other guy is happily married with two kids. The lady is now all over the place complaining. I feel for her sometimes, but that is what she brought upon herself. We should ask God for a discerning spirit.

Maybe, you enjoy the fact that your Yankee guy sends enough cash to you with different kinds of exotic rides; but you know that in the midst of all those things, there is still a vacuum and an inner yearning for love. I have experienced it and I know what I am talking about. Nothing! I mean no amount of comfort can take the place of love, true love. You are probably enjoying the whole thing because it gives you the opportunity to live anyhow or because you were never in love with him.

Some good women who are not even exposed are made to go back to the village and stay with the husband’s family. Some of them bring their relations to live with the woman in Lagos where she functions as his manager in business. The man is over there enjoying himself with other women and making babies all over the place while you are made to sit with his mother and siblings. Is that the kind of life you want to live? Is that God’s plan for marriage? Believe it or not, sex is a very necessary tool in the bonding of two souls. You can never be fulfilled in marriage without good sex.

I know so many people found themselves in this kind of relationship, not out of greed, but out of ignorance. You were pushed into it by forces beyond your control. If you are not yet married, please create time to talk about some issues with him and be sure you can handle it before taking that step. If you are someone like me who cherishes attention more than money, I advise you quit before regrets set in. If you cannot trust yourselves, there is no point getting into it because it will cause you more pain than ever.

Trust is a necessity if you chose to have your relationship from a distance. Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness. I know you are desperate for marriage, but please be careful and constantly remind yourself that God did not give a particular age for marriage. A man who is yours will come and he will love you despite your age, look, and past life. I have started seeing some of them in town, they are going to do everything possible to deceive you, but girl, you can choose not to be deceived.Dont be so much in a haste to have a total stranger put a ring on your finger and take you to the altar this Christmas. Give yourself time to understudy him. I always advise my friends not to allow any marriage until they see their papers and travel documents ready. Those who took to this advice are happily married and living with their men abroad.

I repeat it again; God’s plan for you is not for a man to come here, get married to you and then leave you for his mother and siblings. God’s plan is for you to be one in body, soul, and spirit with your own husband. His plan is not for you to be married to a beautiful mansion and lovely cars. His plan is not for you to keep other men by the corner to service you and pretend all is well. Get this into your ears young lady, God’s design for marriage is a true union of the body, soul, and spirit where you live under the same roof with your own husband and share your bodies with one another. Think about this and make the right choice.

 

Amara, the Author

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Why guys are scared of commitment

Men’s fear of commitment goes beyond the ordinary l must say. Why don’t they want to settle down or ‘tie the knot’? Sometimes, it takes years with a particular woman and children in between to make a man tie the knot. In other cases, you will see a man having a live-in lover and they have children between them, yet they are not legally married and every time the woman reminds the man of it, he panics.

John, an established man, thirty five years of age now works in a reputable oil and gas firm in Abuja. Catherine, a pretty young woman, twenty nine years of age works also in Abuja in an Insurance firm and not doing bad.

It all started ten years ago when John just graduated from the university and did not have a job. Catherine on the other hand was what we call a ‘jambito’; she was fighting to gain admission into the university. They met somehow and this led to a serious steady relationship between the both of them and a promise of marriage from John. It was sure not easy at first with John not having a job and Catherine being a young girl trying to cope with school, finance and the distance to visit John without transport fare back. It went on like this until John managed to gain employment in a company where he was been paid little or no salary.

It is ten years into the relationship today. John has a good paying job, while Catherine has graduated and now works in a good company in Abuja. He is not talking about visiting her parents like he promised and he acts cold every time she brings up the topic. Catherine on the other hand is not getting any younger.

This is what our celebrities have to say on this issue.

Muma Gee

Ladies are not ready – Muma gee, Musician
I think men are scared for various reasons. Firstly, the economy is not helping and they don’t even have jobs or good jobs. Businesses are dying every day and cost of living is on the increase. Imagine this scenario and you want him to take another person as wife, when he can barely feed himself? Who do you think would want to manage with a guy who doesn’t have a job? Imagine he marries, before you know it the third mouth comes in and the fourth and fifth. How do you think he will survive?

Secondly, the ladies are not helping matters. They are now men- they drink in gallons and smoke like chimneys. A man might want to hang out with a drunk for a lady, but when it comes to settling down, he won’t think about her. At others times, the ladies cannot be themselves, they cannot even cook these days! All they do is to put on micro mini skirts and parade the whole town thinking of just men. They can instead try fixing up their future by spending quality time on themselves, in terms of building up their characters, attitude towards life and home and knowing that their bodies are the temple of God. These men will only use you if you allow them and they will go somewhere else when they are through with you.

Charlie Boy

Times are hard – Charley boy, Musician
The environment is not helping in Africa. Our leaders are not given us reasons to smile. The youths cannot gain meaningful employment and so they cannot give what they don’t have. These days men are force to look for women who are equally ‘strong’, it is not like in our father’s days when the husband goes hunting and the wife waits at home for the meat he brings.
I have gone through this kind of life and experience, so I know what I am talking about and I understand what they are going through. It is not easy I must confess and if I had not been married at the time I was going through that episode, then I don’t think I would have thought about it.

Faze

Not sure of her – Faze, Musician
A man cannot run from the woman he loves. In fact, if I was the one, I will not have to wait three years to know if she is the one. I think it is like this because he is not sure of her, probably because of her character and so on. A man, who waits three years or more to know if she is the one, already has an issue he is settling with her or will not marry her after all.

Ras Kimono

Men are Lazy – Ras kimono, Musician
Some young men these days are so lazy, they don’t want to work hard or even work at all. They want to have women who work already, earn good ‘pay’ and have apartments of their own, so they can move into these apartments and get their bills paid. In fact, they don’t mind having women from rich background and so forth. They want to be the women themselves. They forget that there is always two sides to a coin- he who pays the bills calls the shots.

Jeddi

Unemployment, a factor – Jeddi, Comedian
There are no jobs and when you get one, the cost of living takes away every penny saved. Moreover, to get a decent lady these days is a problem. The gold diggers are more than the decent ones and there are the ones who do not want to settle down for one guy. They go around breaking hearts of men, this makes a man scared of trying again and when he does he is scared to make a commitment because of his past. I will only advice our young men not to stop trying until they meet the real one made for

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