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Scared of dating today’s younger African women? Try these.

By Bola Omotosho

Dating a younger woman can be fun and exciting. Just remember there is a fine line between that great older man who just gets her and that creepy guy at the end of the bar every woman in the place is carefully avoiding. To give her the right impression, try following these simple tips.

Be yourself: You are who you are and you know who that is, so be proud of it. There is no need to act like one of her friends the same age. She will know you are a fake and worse, so will you.

Do not try to buy her attentions: Buying her a drink to let her know you’re interested or taking her to dinner to get to know her better is one thing, but buying fancy gifts or showing off your car, house or other material objects is not how to win her affections. Doing that will only leave you broken hearted and with an empty wallet.

Try to understand her: Younger women usually want excitement in their lives. If you are going to be part of her life, you will probably spend your nights in clubs with her friends. She will expect you to dance with her and have a good time, and not be a wall flower or just hang by your drink at their table.

This is going to seem contradictory, but it isn’t: While we just said not to buy her fancy gifts, and we mean that, that does not mean do not buy her gifts. Be reasonable and fun with them. Send her a bouquet of flowers or balloons to her work place with a sweet note. If you know she loves a certain chocolate, buy her a box for a small occasion or no occasion at all, but save those expensive, showy gifts for the important dates and super special occasions.

Show your maturity by staying calm when she is upset: This does not mean that you are supposed be unemotional, but rather that you stay in control of your emotions, especially when it has nothing to do with your relationship. For example, she may get upset that her best friend was cheat on, but your best bet is to listen and be supportive; only offering advice when asked for.

Do not be a creep: Younger women generally date older men because older men have more self control that their younger counterparts. Prove this to her by keeping your hands to yourself and allowing her to start the physical side of your relationship. No one likes that creepy older guy whose hands are everywhere at once.

Let her have some freedom: You may want to spend every waking moment with your younger beauty, but many younger women are out on their own for the first time and are just discovering the freedom that being an adult offers. Be understanding of this and let her have her girls nights, spa days, and shopping trips. She may not say how she appreciates it, but she will show you.

Let inform her on time for a date: She may enjoy hanging out with her friends with you, but every once in a while take charge of the relationship. Depending on where your relationship is, take the time and plan out a nice night on the town for just the two of you or a quiet weekend away from it all. Just be sure to ask her ahead of time and let her know that you will be making plans for the two of you then or you may be disappointed that she has already filled her time.

Be prepared to be spontaneous: I know that sounds a bit weird, but younger women sometimes hear an idea and decide that they want to do it now and want you to do it with them. That means that you have to be ready to say yes to them and go with the flow and have fun.

Lastly, do not ignore your obligations: While going out and having fun is a great thing, as an older man you have obligations in your life. The most notable is probably your job, which keeps you in the nice older man column and out of the unemployed creep column for most women. If you need to stay in to work on a project, say so. She may be initially disappointed but will respect you in the long run.

 

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Long distance love: trials and challenges

By  Amara (submitted by Favor)

Challenging and difficult! Though these may not be the words we want to hear, but the reality is that these are the words that best describe long distance relationships. Please note this, I did not say impossible, but challenging and difficult. I have noticed that in our culture as Africans, women suffer more when it comes to long distance relationships.

A long distance relationship is not different from any other relationship. It is as unique as every other relationship we get involved in. The only difference is that unlike other relationships, you will not have the privilege of seeing your partner as often as you desire. In that regard LDR does not help the intimacy aspect of your relationship. Another important thing, the issue of trust is an indispensable factor which must be taken into consideration before settling for a long distance relationship.

I decided to have this in the women’s column because in our Nigerian context, we are the ones at the receiving end when it comes to long distance relationship. In our country Nigeria, I see marriages in which a woman is made to stay for as long as ten years without setting her eyes on her man. The man who lives abroad comes home to get himself a wife because according to him, the Nigerian woman in the Diaspora have lost their distinctive Nigerian cultural perspectives and therefore are not good materials for marriage. You know every typical Nigerian wants a woman he can sit on and remote control and this has always been their major reason for coming back home to get a wife.

Most of these guys have had multiple marriages to different women in the West. When you see how our people live abroad (I don’t envy them), you will get to understand me better. Many are trapped; yes they live in the UK and USA, but you live a better life than they do. They get into marriages with much older women because they must have shelter over their heads and good food to eat. Many get married just to obtain a Green Card. They do all these and so much more to Nigerian for you.

I feel so sad when I see what some Nigerian ladies go through in the name of long distance relationships. I feel sad because our ladies are yet to begin to reason right. December is just by the corner and so many of these guys are warming up to come back and sweep you off your feet with chocolates, perfumes picked from Liverpool and Finsbury markets in London. Trust our guys coming from the USA, when they speak, they sound more American than the Americans themselves; and with all the bling-bling and fake designer wears, you see yourself falling for them. Some of these guys come home with lovely rides which they obtained under questionable conditions; either from a car hire or insurance. Ladies, shine your eyes. Not all that glitters is gold.

By the time they arrive in Naija, you get carried away and you break-up with your boyfriend with whom you have built a good foundation and are sure of, for a total stranger you know nothing about. Some of these JJC (Johnny Just Come) may even come from Morocco or Equatorial Guinea and will lie to you with confidence that they live in the USA, the UK, or Canada. Before you know what is happening, you have started singing the love songs to their ears. In the course of all these, you believe their lies and surrender your body to them which they exploit. Yes, you may have been introduced to him by his cousin or your friend, but should that make you a fool?

I used to think it was only the illiterates in our villages that fell for these guys, but now I see bankers and Lawyers who have fallen victims. I have had the privilege to meet with ladies who are doing so well in their chosen careers, but are constantly in tears because of this issue. I know a top banker here in Lagos who is a victim: for years now she and her lovely children have been abandoned here in Nigeria because she got involved with a man without asking questions to know his true identity. She laments about her ordeal and how she even travelled overseas to see him only for the man to ignore her and the kids. So many of them get back here and tell you they are married, but the marriage is to a white lady. You foolishly make yourself available as the black wife. You know what, as long as they live in that country and want to make it, they must be married to them .Why should you even try to get married to a man who is not single, divorced,or widowed? The so called big girls are the ones falling for these men because by the time they get into your bank and you are able to see the status of their account, you lose your senses.

There is this other banker who had a very decent man asking for her hand in marriage. The man who happened to be a very dedicated Christian made it clear to her that he wasn’t going to sleep with her before marriage. This became her problem, just like the ladies of today who believe they must sleep with a man before getting married to him. I expected this banker to even thank God for such a man who did not come to exploit her body. This lady insisted on sleeping with him but the man kept his integrity. Before we knew what was happening, she got pregnant for another guy; a JJC who had just returned to from the USA. This left the man who was so much in love with her devastated. Months later, she got married to her Yankee lover. A month after the marriage, he left Nigeria for his base.Girls, that was the last we heard of him; and it has been nine years. The other guy is happily married with two kids. The lady is now all over the place complaining. I feel for her sometimes, but that is what she brought upon herself. We should ask God for a discerning spirit.

Maybe, you enjoy the fact that your Yankee guy sends enough cash to you with different kinds of exotic rides; but you know that in the midst of all those things, there is still a vacuum and an inner yearning for love. I have experienced it and I know what I am talking about. Nothing! I mean no amount of comfort can take the place of love, true love. You are probably enjoying the whole thing because it gives you the opportunity to live anyhow or because you were never in love with him.

Some good women who are not even exposed are made to go back to the village and stay with the husband’s family. Some of them bring their relations to live with the woman in Lagos where she functions as his manager in business. The man is over there enjoying himself with other women and making babies all over the place while you are made to sit with his mother and siblings. Is that the kind of life you want to live? Is that God’s plan for marriage? Believe it or not, sex is a very necessary tool in the bonding of two souls. You can never be fulfilled in marriage without good sex.

I know so many people found themselves in this kind of relationship, not out of greed, but out of ignorance. You were pushed into it by forces beyond your control. If you are not yet married, please create time to talk about some issues with him and be sure you can handle it before taking that step. If you are someone like me who cherishes attention more than money, I advise you quit before regrets set in. If you cannot trust yourselves, there is no point getting into it because it will cause you more pain than ever.

Trust is a necessity if you chose to have your relationship from a distance. Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness. I know you are desperate for marriage, but please be careful and constantly remind yourself that God did not give a particular age for marriage. A man who is yours will come and he will love you despite your age, look, and past life. I have started seeing some of them in town, they are going to do everything possible to deceive you, but girl, you can choose not to be deceived.Dont be so much in a haste to have a total stranger put a ring on your finger and take you to the altar this Christmas. Give yourself time to understudy him. I always advise my friends not to allow any marriage until they see their papers and travel documents ready. Those who took to this advice are happily married and living with their men abroad.

I repeat it again; God’s plan for you is not for a man to come here, get married to you and then leave you for his mother and siblings. God’s plan is for you to be one in body, soul, and spirit with your own husband. His plan is not for you to be married to a beautiful mansion and lovely cars. His plan is not for you to keep other men by the corner to service you and pretend all is well. Get this into your ears young lady, God’s design for marriage is a true union of the body, soul, and spirit where you live under the same roof with your own husband and share your bodies with one another. Think about this and make the right choice.

 

Amara, the Author

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Why guys are scared of commitment

Men’s fear of commitment goes beyond the ordinary l must say. Why don’t they want to settle down or ‘tie the knot’? Sometimes, it takes years with a particular woman and children in between to make a man tie the knot. In other cases, you will see a man having a live-in lover and they have children between them, yet they are not legally married and every time the woman reminds the man of it, he panics.

John, an established man, thirty five years of age now works in a reputable oil and gas firm in Abuja. Catherine, a pretty young woman, twenty nine years of age works also in Abuja in an Insurance firm and not doing bad.

It all started ten years ago when John just graduated from the university and did not have a job. Catherine on the other hand was what we call a ‘jambito’; she was fighting to gain admission into the university. They met somehow and this led to a serious steady relationship between the both of them and a promise of marriage from John. It was sure not easy at first with John not having a job and Catherine being a young girl trying to cope with school, finance and the distance to visit John without transport fare back. It went on like this until John managed to gain employment in a company where he was been paid little or no salary.

It is ten years into the relationship today. John has a good paying job, while Catherine has graduated and now works in a good company in Abuja. He is not talking about visiting her parents like he promised and he acts cold every time she brings up the topic. Catherine on the other hand is not getting any younger.

This is what our celebrities have to say on this issue.

Muma Gee

Ladies are not ready – Muma gee, Musician
I think men are scared for various reasons. Firstly, the economy is not helping and they don’t even have jobs or good jobs. Businesses are dying every day and cost of living is on the increase. Imagine this scenario and you want him to take another person as wife, when he can barely feed himself? Who do you think would want to manage with a guy who doesn’t have a job? Imagine he marries, before you know it the third mouth comes in and the fourth and fifth. How do you think he will survive?

Secondly, the ladies are not helping matters. They are now men- they drink in gallons and smoke like chimneys. A man might want to hang out with a drunk for a lady, but when it comes to settling down, he won’t think about her. At others times, the ladies cannot be themselves, they cannot even cook these days! All they do is to put on micro mini skirts and parade the whole town thinking of just men. They can instead try fixing up their future by spending quality time on themselves, in terms of building up their characters, attitude towards life and home and knowing that their bodies are the temple of God. These men will only use you if you allow them and they will go somewhere else when they are through with you.

Charlie Boy

Times are hard – Charley boy, Musician
The environment is not helping in Africa. Our leaders are not given us reasons to smile. The youths cannot gain meaningful employment and so they cannot give what they don’t have. These days men are force to look for women who are equally ‘strong’, it is not like in our father’s days when the husband goes hunting and the wife waits at home for the meat he brings.
I have gone through this kind of life and experience, so I know what I am talking about and I understand what they are going through. It is not easy I must confess and if I had not been married at the time I was going through that episode, then I don’t think I would have thought about it.

Faze

Not sure of her – Faze, Musician
A man cannot run from the woman he loves. In fact, if I was the one, I will not have to wait three years to know if she is the one. I think it is like this because he is not sure of her, probably because of her character and so on. A man, who waits three years or more to know if she is the one, already has an issue he is settling with her or will not marry her after all.

Ras Kimono

Men are Lazy – Ras kimono, Musician
Some young men these days are so lazy, they don’t want to work hard or even work at all. They want to have women who work already, earn good ‘pay’ and have apartments of their own, so they can move into these apartments and get their bills paid. In fact, they don’t mind having women from rich background and so forth. They want to be the women themselves. They forget that there is always two sides to a coin- he who pays the bills calls the shots.

Jeddi

Unemployment, a factor – Jeddi, Comedian
There are no jobs and when you get one, the cost of living takes away every penny saved. Moreover, to get a decent lady these days is a problem. The gold diggers are more than the decent ones and there are the ones who do not want to settle down for one guy. They go around breaking hearts of men, this makes a man scared of trying again and when he does he is scared to make a commitment because of his past. I will only advice our young men not to stop trying until they meet the real one made for

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Would you rather marry a virgin? An African perpective

African wedding
 
GIDEON OPARINDE (odili.net)
(views expressed are those of the responders and not necessarily of TalkAfrique)
In the past, it was expected that a maiden must go into marriage as a virgin. If on the first night, her husband found her not to be so, the family suffered instant condemnation.
 
But civilization has substantially changed the way people perceive virginity. At one time, it was even thought to be ‘bush’ if a girl dared reveal to her peers that she was still a virgin. Some girls even competed to be the first to lose their virginity to a boyfriend.
Once again, attitudes are changing, and it is becoming fashionable to be a virgin. This new development is driven more by the Pentecostal revival spreading through the world. Virginity, at least among Pentecostal Christians and fundamentalist Muslims, is being appreciated again.
Being a virgin is good, these people argue, saying that it is a key factor to whether there would be deep trust between the couple. However, there are women who were married as virgins but are now worse than whores. But then, the issue of virginity is like a two-sided coin as it also applies to men who go into marriage without having ever had sex with a woman. For women who marry such men, and considering the realities of the present time, when women have become bolder and assertive, they expect to be sexually satisfied by their husbands. So would you, whether as a man or lady prefer marrying a virgin?
 
Edna
Marrying a female virgin is an advantage to a man because you will know she has never been touched by any man and she is free from sexually transmitted diseases, but the other part is that when you have let her loose and she happens to have funny friends, they might talk her into testing the waters, except she is a true child of God.
 
Afolabi
I really would love marry a virgin, but looking at the percentage of people who are lucky enough to have virgins today, they are very few. A number of men today would not want to marry any lady without having an affair with her. When a man marries a woman who is not a virgin and he is not the first man in her life, it becomes a stigma on her. But men cause most of theses things.
Definitely, not all deflowered ladies are irresponsible, some could be victims of circumstance like rape, sweet coated men who may have promised them marriage, but determined to exploit her first. Should she not get married again?
How many women today got married as virgins? The same applies to men.
I believe if there is virginity test for men, many ladies/ women too would not want to marry an experienced man due to fear of sexually transmitted diseases. But the point is that hardly would you find a man that would satisfy an experienced lady in bed and you would hardly have rest of mind that she is still faithful to you alone.
 
Samuel
Yes I would like to marry a virgin because a virgin has a higher tendency to be faithful. But it is important to note that when a man marries a virgin, the lady may be tempted to stray outside to see what she missed out during her youthful days. If a man marries a woman as a virgin, it might turn out a problem to the man because of lack of experience and not knowing what to do or expect. Living in complete control of her sexuality, she might not like it but she got no choice since she is new in the game.
 
Ola
I would like to marry a virgin presuming that she has second hand experience on the bedmatics of sex and how to handle her man in bed. These days, virgins are hard to come by and even if there are, a large percentage of them are light years behind their peers when it comes to knowledge on the dynamics of sex.
As for me, when it comes to the issue of marriage, the most important thing is the question of sexual satisfaction. I can’t imagine my newly wedded wife on the wedding night lying down like a log of wood in bed, awaiting the long old missionary style position. Kai…what an anachronism!
There is nothing wrong in a grown-up lady getting to learn how to satisfy her man in bed whilst she is still a virgin. Some religious women feel it is wrong or immoral to explore the wonders of sex and are in themselves unattractive and anti-sexy in nature due to their mind-set. A lot of Nigerian women out there have joined the league of ladies who have thrown their ‘husbands’ away in the guise of Christian beliefs and dignity.
I can never be attracted to a woman who dresses like her grandmother no matter how anointed she is: my woman must be hot, sexy, affable and must be vast in the things that make for life and good relationships. Even the Bible says in Proverbs 5:19 that let her breasts satisfy you at all times, meaning the man is entitled to full enjoyment of his spouse in all ramifications and it is to a large extent the onus of the woman to see to the satisfaction of her man even before marriage.
The chances are that marrying a virgin might make one a victim of unsatisfactory sex life up to certain number of months or years into the marriage depending on the willingness of the woman to learn but the friction from tightness due to the novelty of the ‘wentus’ gives the man some great initial pleasure even though the woman may lack the necessary bedmatic skills.
But frankly speaking, the advantages of marrying a virgin are not far-fetched: protection from venereal diseases as long as the virgin wife remains faithful to the man and the sense of pride being gained by the man for being the one that tore open the honey well of the virgin wife.
 
Aderibigbe
No, I would not want to marry one because marrying a virgin today can turn into marrying of a slack hole sort. Somebody that has not tasted how sweet sex is. Now you are enjoying it from one man called your husband. If that man is not good enough to satisfy her sexual needs, she may like to change her taste by giving another man a try. In this case she may not have had the experience to handle the situation and it may lead to a break-up. In this case, marrying a sexually experienced lady will be better because they have all it takes to be a married woman.
 
Omole
Yes, I would love to marry a virgin, likewise every man’s desire, but let us ask ourselves too as men; how many of us are virgins? What I am looking for is not virginity but a Godsent that would add positive values to my life; a woman of great substance, a virtuous woman. I am not interested in virginity but reliability.
Why do we capitalize on women alone, let’s clear ourselves first before others, most time we are the cause of their predicaments.
 
Dare
Definitely yes! A virgin is an innocent female that has not been spoilt and have a sense of responsibility. Besides that, I learnt when a lady loses her virginity to someone who jilted her, she goes weird and becomes derailed. I never had the opportunity of being engaged to a virgin. If I had, I would not have allowed her elude me.
 
Funke
No, I won’t like to marry any guy who is a virgin. You could hardly find about 10 percent of men who are virgins. The only advantage is that he would be well informed with loads of experiences. The disadvantage is that he could be unfaithful.
 
Yomi
If I have my way, I would marry a virgin, but sometimes virginity has nothing to do with how cultured a lady is; rather it is just a sign of being able to vouch for her. Many virgins are worse than even those we see and tag wayward. The most important thing is marrying a God-fearing lady.
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