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Nigeria’s Role in Africa Over the Next 50 Years

Dr. Robin Sanders, U.S. Ambassador to Nigeria

Nigeria — a nation of plenty, a nation of potential, and nation of prospects. These are the key pillars that the next 50 years should bring to fruition for this great country. As an African-American who sees Nigeria as one of the most important global nations in the world today, it is important for Nigeria, with the support and encouragement from its friends, to enter the next half century with the goal of improving the daily lives of each Nigerian citizen. This includes having a safe enabling environment not only for economic growth and development, but also to further ensure its rightful place as a leader in the sub-region on peace and security issues. Nigerians, and their friends, see the struggles that this great nation faces today with instability being renewed in the Delta, ethnic tensions in parts of the North, corruption issues, and concerns about a successful, and transparent election looming large for April 2011.

None of these issues should be taken lightly, they are real, cause uncertainty, and are challenges that must be addressed in a transparent manner to set the stage not only for Nigeria in the next 50 years, but also for the African continent writ large. The nation of Nigeria and the people I have had the pleasure of working with and knowing have always made me proud to be connected to a country with such great potential and prospects. Nigeria is a symbol for many African-Americans in so many positive ways — the creativeness, the talent, and the strong love of country — to name a few of the core values that I experienced living in Nigeria. This viewpoint does not mean that we are not rooting for Nigeria to be even more than it is today and that it must continue to work to ensure that the challenges of today mentioned above are addressed and are not markers of the future. I was asked about the role of Nigeria in the future of Africa over the next 50 years given that Nigeria and 17 other nations celebrated their jubilee anniversary in 2010. There are several very important points to make in this regard:

Leadership by far is Nigeria’s first role on the continent as it is a key political, security, and trading partner in the sub-region and with other world nations. However, with this, it has to continue to find ways to better address its own internal security and corruption issues as part of this leadership and make transparent elections and good governance the order of the day;

Nigeria’s development role is next, particularly, as Nigeria and the rest of Africa should be the next emerging frontiers for economic growth, markets, and trade. The recent positive news in some quarters of Nigeria’s macro-economic and capital market reforms efforts spurred by the leadership at Nigeria’s Central Bank and at its Security and Exchange Commission are symbolic of the solid foundations that countries in Africa need to be moving toward over the next 50 years. The issues of most concern to me are what I have called the FEEEDS issues (with the acronym meaning Food Security, Education, Environment, Energy, Development/Democracy and Self-Help). The FEEEDS issues will need to be better handled over the next 50 years by all nations on the continent;

Nigeria’s youth and women need to be included and play a key role in the direction of the country. Given that more than half of Nigeria’s population is under the age of 35 coupled with having nearly 74 million women, both youth and women need to be provided with not only ample but more adequate educational opportunities (including vocational and entrepreneurship training) as they are vital to a viable future for any nation. No nation can develop by excluding more than half its population from a strong and visible role in political development, and social sector reform; and, transparency in resource management which is not only cross sectoral but also a synergistic way of better addressing how all resources — energy resources, land and water resources, human resources, and financial resources — in a country are governed.

None of us has a crystal ball, and none of us can predict the future. What we can do is our utmost to put in place the things that we know can help make the future a better place. Nigeria, as the most populated nation on the continent and because of the core values I know are part of the Nigerian mosaic, can and should help set the stage for the future of the Africa region and the global community, but addressing the four points above are key parts of achieving these goals.
 
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Hope for millions with a new meningitis vaccine

By Celia W. Dugger (The N.Y. Times)

For over a century, epidemics of bacterial meningitis have swept across Africa, arriving with the dry harmattan winds to kill with terrifying speed. But on Monday, a drive will start to inoculate tens of millions of West Africans with a new vaccine in what scientists hope will be the beginning of the end of ravaging meningitis epidemics.

The aim is for these immunization campaigns to spread from Senegal in the west to Ethiopia in the east and bring the disease under control in a belt of 25 nations that girds the continent, saving an estimated 150,000 lives by 2015.

Hundreds of millions more dollars are still needed to accomplish that goal in coming years, public health officials say. But the meningitis vaccine itself is a major milestone in developing inexpensive immunizations against neglected diseases that afflict poor countries, experts say.

More than a million cases of meningitis have been reported in Africa over the past two decades. The vaccine works against the group A meningitis strain that causes more than 8 out of 10 cases on the continent. Moreover, it costs less than 50 cents a dose. In the United States, Novartis and Sanofi Pasteur market a single dose of meningitis vaccine against multiple strains of the disease for $80 to $100.

"Wow, that’s remarkable!" exclaimed Dr. Gregory Poland, head of vaccine research at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, when he heard how little the new vaccine would cost.

Bill Gates, whose foundation largely financed the endeavor, contrasted the undertaking with the development of vaccines for measles, smallpox and polio.

"All those things were created because rich people got sick," the billionaire Microsoft co-founder said. "This is the first vaccine that went through the whole process where there was no rich world market, and it had to be optimized at a very low price."

The meningitis vaccine relies on a technology that was devised by researchers at the Food and Drug Administration and donated by the U.S. government at the cost of only token royalties. It is being manufactured by the Serum Institute of India, a major vaccine producer, and it was developed independently of the major American and European pharmaceutical companies.

The meningitis vaccination drives will begin Monday in Burkina Faso and will also get under way in Mali and Niger this month, but public health experts caution that the promise of the meningitis vaccine should not be oversold. It will not eradicate the disease because it is effective only against the group A strain most common in Africa.

 

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Modern day slavery in America

West African Girls Now Free

CNN Amber Lyin talks to 2 girls brought to the the US and forced to work in hair salons.

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New Jersey — They arrived in the United States from West Africa, young girls held against their will and forced to work for hours on end. But this time, it didn’t happen hundreds of years ago.

Nicole’s journey started in 2002, when she was barely 12, in her small village in western Ghana. She and about 20 other girls were held in plain sight, but always under the watchful eyes of their captors.

“It was like being trapped, like being in a cage,” said “Nicole,” now 19. CNN agreed not to use her real name.

“I always have to behave, behave, behave, behave. No freedom at all.”

The girls’ families sent them to the United States after being assured they would receive a better education. But once they arrived, they were forced to work in hair braiding shops across the Newark area — just a short drive from New York City, right in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty.

The girls, who are now young women, have never spoken publicly before, until now.

“It was horrible,” said Zena Amevor, who was 15 when she was brought over from Togo. “Sometimes there was not enough food for us to eat. … It was like a prison. I was just stuck there. … It was horrible.”

For the first time, the former slaves provided details about their horrifying odyssey and an intimate view into the world of human trafficking and contemporary slavery.

“Jacqueline” was 13 when her family sent her to the United States, not knowing that a woman she called “auntie” was a human trafficker. It was unclear if the woman was a blood relative.

“My dad … worked hard so I could go to school, so when my auntie came and told my family that I could go to a school in the U.S. … they trusted her,” she said. “Everyone was happy about it.”

The girls worked in the salons right out in the open, in front of customers. They were on their feet all day, sometimes for more than 12 hours, weaving intricate and elaborate hair braids, seven days a week.

This went on for more than five years.
“We stood there all day, just braiding,” Jacqueline said. “If they want really small braids, you stay there sometimes until 2 a.m. … That’s every day.”

At times, they were forced to braid the hair of American teenagers no older than they were — girls who were free and had no idea the people braiding their hair were slaves.

“I wished I could go with them,” Nicole said. “Most of the time, I’d end up just breaking down later crying … because when I see teenagers going around, going to the movies and just being a teen … I just couldn’t understand why my life has to be this way … ”

In one of the many ironies in the case, the customers whose hair was braided by the slave girls were mostly African-American women, many of whom could have been descendants of slaves brought to America generations ago.

Slavery through trafficking continues widely today in the United States, though often undetected, according to law enforcement officials.

Nicole, Zena, Jacqueline and the other girls were held in groups in several houses around Newark and East Orange, New Jersey. The girls were brought to the United States at different times between 2002 and 2007, according to court documents. As the group grew, the traffickers ran out of places to put them and had to rent more living quarters.

The homes were always in the middle of residential areas with manicured lawns and nice houses, often near churches, schools and community buildings.

“I think it’s hard for people to believe that in 2010, we have people who actually put people in slavery,” said Paul Fishman, the U.S. attorney for New Jersey, whose office successfully prosecuted the case. “It’s the most fundamental and intolerable violation of human rights.”

The traffickers convicted in this case were a mother, father and son who also came from West Africa, according to court documents and law enforcement officials.

Nicole, Zena and Jacqueline described living in fear shortly after they arrived in the United States, forced to work by day at the hair salons and sleeping in groups on the floor at night.

“When I got here … I asked her if I was going to school, and she said there was no school,” Jacqueline said, referring to her auntie, the trafficking ringleader.

“I said, ‘I’m not going to school?’ [and] she said, ‘no’ … and that was her decision and she wasn’t going to change it.”

The captors controlled the girls by beating them, withholding food, keeping them separated from anyone else and, at times, through sexual abuse, according to court documents.

The young women who spoke to CNN described years of cruelty, physical abuse, beatings with wood or metal objects, extreme isolation and sleeping on mattresses on floors in filthy conditions. Even their phone calls back to their families were monitored by their captors.

“I always thought of running [away], but I know nobody,” Zena said. “I don’t know where to go, didn’t have [any] friends, nobody to talk to, so it was kind of hard. … I had nowhere to go to.”

Five years after the girls began arriving, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents received a tip and began extensive surveillance on the houses where the girls were kept.

After months of surveillance, the ICE agents raided the houses in 2007. Inside, they found the girls and mattresses on the floor. The traffickers had hidden bags of cash and the girls’ passports.

Peter Edge, who led the team of agents, said none of the girls’ customers ever called officials to help.

“Hundreds of people came into these salons, they probably witnessed things out of the ordinary,” said Edge, special agent in charge of ICE’s Homeland Security Investigations in Newark.

“These girls were shielded from the outside world, virtually hidden in plain sight … from everything else that was around them.”

Edge and the girls said several customers asked about the girls’ ages, and the girls — following the orders of their captors — lied and said they were 18.

“I wish one of my customers … would have gone to police,” Nicole said. “I wish they would have helped me.”

In the 2007 raid, the ICE agents found a notebook the girls used to track the tips they received, but couldn’t keep, at the hair salon. Ironically, on the cover of the notebook was a picture of the Statue of Liberty.

More than two years later, Akouavi Afolabi; her husband, Lassissi Afolabi; and their son, Dereck Hounakey, were convicted of running the trafficking ring. Akouavi Afolabi was the ringleader, while her husband and son were accomplices, according to court documents.

In September of this year, a Newark court sentenced Akouavi Afolabi to 27 years in prison, while her husband received 24 years and their son received 4½ years.

The girls had to testify against the Afolabis in court.

“I remember crying. All I did was cry. It was overwhelming,” Nicole said. “I told myself, ‘She finally got what she deserved’ … she did really, really wrong. She treated us bad. And she was heartless … and I’m happy she was caught.”

Court records show the Afolabis knew many of the families whose girls they lured away to become their slaves. They had an elaborate scheme to lure the girls: Mrs. Afolabi would approach families of young girls in Ghana and Togo, where she had connections, and tell the families she would give the girls an education in the United States. They then used fraudulent visa papers to sneak the girls into the country.

Experts say the main reason for most modern-day human trafficking is money.

“Human trafficking is extremely profitable,” said Bridgette Carr, a law professor and a national expert on human trafficking.

The customers at the hair braiding salon where Zena and Nicole were forced to work would sometimes pay as much as $200 to $400 for elaborate braiding that would take many hours to complete.

The traffickers took every penny made by the girls, both in tips and payments for their hair braiding. They made about $4 million, according to court documents.

“It’s so profitable that we are seeing some drug traffickers get out of drug trafficking and into human trafficking,” said Carr, who teaches law at the University of Michigan Law School in Ann Arbor.

Carr heads a clinic that is helping Nicole and many of the other girls move ahead with their lives.

“Sadly, the work of our clinic is necessary in every community in America,” she said. “Human trafficking, also known as modern-day slavery, exists in big cities, in small towns, in rural areas with no towns, exists in restaurants, in hair salons, in hotels and in farmwork.

“Almost every industry you can think of, there is an opportunity there for someone to be exploited. This is everywhere in the U.S.”

Today, Nicole, Zena, Jacqueline and the other girls are trying to move on with their lives. Several are in high school, and one has recently been accepted into college.

Most of the girls have not been able to return home to see their families in West Africa. When asked why she agreed to finally talk out about such a painful chapter of her life, Nicole said she wanted to raise awareness about what other young girls may be going through.

“I want to tell people that slavery exists,” she said. “It’s huge, and it’s really happening here.”


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Ghana “Witch” Killing Points to a Broader Culture of Fear and Superstition

Clair MacDougall

Journalist

The brutal murder of a 72-year-old woman who was suspected of witchcraft in Ghana has been met with public outrage after a photograph showing her in a near naked state appeared on the front page of the nation’s most popular newspaper, the Daily Graphic, last week.

The photograph of Ama Hemmah, who had been doused with kerosene and set alight in the courtyard of a family home, was taken at a local hospital and showed her burnt from face to waist with scraps of clothing that barely covered her breasts melted to her skin. Many locals of Tema, the harbor city in which the murder occurred, have expressed shock and anger, but human rights activists have suggested that Hemmah’s death points to a deeper culture of fear, superstition and violence against women accused of witchcraft. 

Ama Hemmah, a poor 72-year-old woman, traveled on a bus from the village of Ajumako Assasan in Ghana’s Central Region to Tema where her two sons and daughter lived. Hemmah rose early in the morning without telling anyone she had left and had not informed children she was coming to visit. At Tema, she got down from the bus and wandered around begging for food, as she often did because she was poor. Then she wandered into a house in Site 7 of the Community 1 area of the city to ask for money and food. She was accused of being possessed by the devil, beaten and then finally doused with kerosene and set alight. This is what her son, Stephen Ofosy Yeboah, a 48-year-old taxi driver remembers his mother saying as she lay in her hospital bed. Hemmah died in the Tema General Hospital the following day. Yeboah said his mother was a devout Roman Catholic and had never engaged in or been accused of witchcraft.

But Pastor Samuel Fletcher Sagoe claimed Hemmah was a witch who intended to do he and his family harm. When I met Sagoe he walked me into the room where he discovered the stranger who had been sent by the devil. He retraced his steps and said he unlocked the gates and came into his sister Emelia Opoku’s room to find Hemmah standing by the window.

Sagoe pointed to the barred window that sat behind the countless items of damp clothing strung from lines crossing the walls in the tiny room. Sagoe said he was puzzled and could not comprehend how the woman had gotten through the gate, as it was locked and far too high for her to jump over it. The pastor took Hemmah into the courtyard and questioned her about how she managed to get in then called his family and friends in to witness the strange occurrence. Police believe the interrogation went on for as long as four hours. While Sagoe said he’d never met Hemmah before, the Tema Assistant Commissioner of Police Augustine Gyening said the suspects claimed Hemmah was a known witch.

Pastor Sagoe’s account was full of inconsistencies as he claimed Hemmah said she was a messenger of the devil and spoke of flying and "spiritual things", and then alluded to Hemmah refusing to confess to witchcraft after the group had surrounded her. Sagoe also claimed he was not present when they set Hemmah ablaze but that it was his friend Samuel Ghunney, a 50-year-old photographer, who asked Sagoe’s sister Emelia Opuko for the kerosene and matches. Those involved in the incident threw water on Hemmah after she began to burn and Ghunney told police that he thought setting her ablaze would scare her rather than kill her.

Hemmah then left the house and stumbled down the road to a provisions shop where 27-year-old Deborah Pearl Adumoah, took her to the police station and the hospital.

"She was in severe pain and tears were flowing down from her eyes," said Adumoah.

Adumoah spent the day with Hemmah and sent someone to her village to track down the contact details of her children in Tema. Deborah’s voice quivered as she spoke of Hemmah’s condition before she died.

"She couldn’t speak and you could only hear her make sounds because her face had been burnt and she couldn’t move her mouth properly," said Adumoah. "It was a cruel act. She reminded me of my grandmother: cute and smallish," she added.

Police have two of the accused in custody, with the other three suspects out on bail. They are yet to establish the role that Sagoe and the other two suspects played in the attack.

While the case has attracted a great deal of attention in Ghana, belief in witchcraft and attacks on women and men accused of sorcery are not uncommon, particularly within the Northern Region of the country, home to the notorious witches camps that house women, children and sometimes men that have been exiled from their communities because they have been accused of witchcraft.

However, Canadian journalist and author of Spellbound: Inside West Africa’s Witch Camps, Karen Palmer said this particular case seemed highly unusual because there was no clear relationship between the outsider, Hemmah, and the accused. Palmer spent months interviewing accused witches in the Northern Region who had been exiled from their communities and were living in the camps.

"In my experience, I would say that most people know the women who they are accusing of witchcraft and it could be a family member, someone who lives in the same community, a co-wife or even a child accusing a parent, aunt or grandmother," said Palmer. "To attack a complete stranger is a little unusual."

Palmer added that older women in the Northern Region were often targeted because they had developed eccentricities and were no longer able to bear children, or fulfill duties such as gathering wood and water. Women are almost always accused in order to explain some misfortune such as an illness, lack of rain, a bad harvest or even something as simple as a bad dream.

But Palmer was not surprised that residents in a large urban center like Tema believed in witchcraft, as belief in sorcery is common throughout Ghana and is often fueled by preachers at large charismatic churches.

Assistant Commissioner of Police Augustine Gyening said the police department had not handled a case like this before. But, he said that many people believed in witchcraft in Tema. When I asked him whether he too believed in witchcraft he replied:

"Don’t you? There are witches in Europe." He added: "Everybody in Ghana will tell you they believe in witchcraft, but they will differ in terms of what things they attribute to witches."

But Gyening said that he and the Tema police force were appalled by the murder.

Ghana’s Commission on Human Rights and Administrative Justice (CHRAJ) issued a statement last Friday claiming the act was barbaric and reflected poorly on the nation’s human rights record. The Coordinator of the Coalition on Domestic Violence Legislation in Ghana Mr. Adolf Bekoe also claimed that witchcraft accusation was becoming a major problem in the country that needed to be addressed by the government.

Palmer agreed that something needed to be done to address violence toward women accused of witchcraft but said that it was complex issue that activists and politicians had attempted to address in the 1990s but had lost the political will in part because of the difficulty of challenging these entrenched beliefs.

"In the West we look at this phenomenon and cannot understand how people could believe in witchcraft and how it could incite violence," said Palmer.

"People take this threat incredibly seriously, because from the moment Ghanaians are born they are told stories about witchcraft and it is ingrained in the culture in away it isn’t in the West."

 
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Interracial relationship: My personal experience

By Belinda Walker.

Hello,

You posted an article about a week about African women not seeing colors in love and therefore going for interracial dating and marriage. Much as I agree with the article and the fact  the world has moved beyond race, I would like to point at that it is not that easy. It is very important that our brothers and sisters think very carefully about the challenges in interracial relationship before they get into it. I’ve have been in such a relationship before. Though let me say that we broke up not because of any racial issues but some of the usual issues in relationships. Some of the problems that I encountered over the 2 years I was in the relationships are listed below:

·        People within my community were not accepting the relationship. They always though we were just having fun and not really serious even when we had communicated every intentions that we meant it.

·        I constantly heard indirect comments that were uncomfortable; I was stared at my friends and his friends and family.

·        In fact sometimes sometime when we went to the restaurant, the restaurant staff will not just acknowledged the two of us as a party or or that we are together. Do I always have to explain to people that we’re couples? What the S&^%t..

·        I had some family and friends keeping their distance, even though my guy was warm towards everyone

I’m not trying to say that everything was that bad. I’m just trying to say that everybody must weight him or herself and ask whether he or she can swallow some of these stuff. There are benefits and personal growth if you can work it out. In my case, I had the opportunity to learn about the guys interracial culture or and I was exposed to new ways of thinking. Again just knowing that you are with this person because you love him for who he his was just an incredible.  Hei, I also picked a words and phrases from a new language.

By the way, I enjoy reading your blog.

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Religion, Politics and -Phobias

I grew up in a very conservative African community, typical of what I guess most readers know. Church on Sundays was literally a requirement in order to have your laundry done to begin the school week. If I look back, I may be tempted to say that even the non-believers, as we used to call them, were more conservative than regular church goers in some western societies.
Certain word and phrases such as ‘homosexual, lesbian, bisexual and transgender’ were not part of the vocabulary.  If you heard somebody read Leviticus 20:13 which says ‘If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads” it actually wouldn’t mean much to you, because as far as you know, such a thing could only happen in Gomorah.
That was then. Today reading the verse quoted above in public, especially by a powerful man or woman,  might actually result in death of people, especially if read by a politician or Man of God. A few weeks back, one Ugandan MP proposed the death penalty for gay people. Again, the PM of Kenya on Nov 29 declared a national crackdown on homosexuals and called upon the police to arrest anyone found to be a homosexual.
 
I understand why African politicians see this as a winning strategy. Homosexual lifestyle is foreign to the African way of life and therefore anyone who promises to root out this tumor from the society is likely to have his approval ratings bump a significant number of points. Again, religious leaders are very powerful in most African communities. An endorsement by a man or woman of God is worth more than a billion-dollar worth of campaign donations. The politicians know this and they’re exploiting it to the fullest. Western religious activist are also pumping resources into Africa to energize greedy politicians to hold the fort.
 
Christians, Moslems and even traditional African rulers have condemned homosexuality for centuries so that is news. Draconian measures such as execution are just kind of new. Or is it just me?
If you were raised in religious home as I was, I will understand why the practice may be repulsive to you. It is not in my blood either. But who am I to call for someone’s death because he or she chose to live a particular way? From a religious point of view, if I have negative views about homosexuality, ‘prayer and fasting for the lost sheep’ is what Jesus will advise. Death by firing squad? I’m not sure about that.
Another thing that is difficult for me comprehend is a report that in Kenya, some Muslim groups are joining the campaign to crackdown on homosexuals. I’m a Christian but a few weeks ago I presented a strong position against ‘Islam-Phobia ‘ and ridiculed Juan Williams of Fox News and former NPR contributor for his blinkered comment about Moslems.

Just like homophobia, Islam-phobia has become a powerful weapon used by politicians to appeal to defined groups of people. For a Moslem who is constantly fighting against the bigotry and discrimination to join the call for the death of homosexuals is incomprehensible. It’s just like Juan Willians, an African American wresting with black stereotypes to join the chauvinism against Moslems.

Negrophobia, Xenophobia, Bibleophobea/Theophobia, Judeophobia. Which do we support? When politics comes in, it’s whichever the occasion calls for

I’m a chemist and I’ve tried very scary chemical reactions in my career. Politics plus religion is not one of my favorite reactions. The two don’t mix very well, and if they do, the product is always an explosive waste.

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Scared of dating today’s younger African women? Try these.

By Bola Omotosho

Dating a younger woman can be fun and exciting. Just remember there is a fine line between that great older man who just gets her and that creepy guy at the end of the bar every woman in the place is carefully avoiding. To give her the right impression, try following these simple tips.

Be yourself: You are who you are and you know who that is, so be proud of it. There is no need to act like one of her friends the same age. She will know you are a fake and worse, so will you.

Do not try to buy her attentions: Buying her a drink to let her know you’re interested or taking her to dinner to get to know her better is one thing, but buying fancy gifts or showing off your car, house or other material objects is not how to win her affections. Doing that will only leave you broken hearted and with an empty wallet.

Try to understand her: Younger women usually want excitement in their lives. If you are going to be part of her life, you will probably spend your nights in clubs with her friends. She will expect you to dance with her and have a good time, and not be a wall flower or just hang by your drink at their table.

This is going to seem contradictory, but it isn’t: While we just said not to buy her fancy gifts, and we mean that, that does not mean do not buy her gifts. Be reasonable and fun with them. Send her a bouquet of flowers or balloons to her work place with a sweet note. If you know she loves a certain chocolate, buy her a box for a small occasion or no occasion at all, but save those expensive, showy gifts for the important dates and super special occasions.

Show your maturity by staying calm when she is upset: This does not mean that you are supposed be unemotional, but rather that you stay in control of your emotions, especially when it has nothing to do with your relationship. For example, she may get upset that her best friend was cheat on, but your best bet is to listen and be supportive; only offering advice when asked for.

Do not be a creep: Younger women generally date older men because older men have more self control that their younger counterparts. Prove this to her by keeping your hands to yourself and allowing her to start the physical side of your relationship. No one likes that creepy older guy whose hands are everywhere at once.

Let her have some freedom: You may want to spend every waking moment with your younger beauty, but many younger women are out on their own for the first time and are just discovering the freedom that being an adult offers. Be understanding of this and let her have her girls nights, spa days, and shopping trips. She may not say how she appreciates it, but she will show you.

Let inform her on time for a date: She may enjoy hanging out with her friends with you, but every once in a while take charge of the relationship. Depending on where your relationship is, take the time and plan out a nice night on the town for just the two of you or a quiet weekend away from it all. Just be sure to ask her ahead of time and let her know that you will be making plans for the two of you then or you may be disappointed that she has already filled her time.

Be prepared to be spontaneous: I know that sounds a bit weird, but younger women sometimes hear an idea and decide that they want to do it now and want you to do it with them. That means that you have to be ready to say yes to them and go with the flow and have fun.

Lastly, do not ignore your obligations: While going out and having fun is a great thing, as an older man you have obligations in your life. The most notable is probably your job, which keeps you in the nice older man column and out of the unemployed creep column for most women. If you need to stay in to work on a project, say so. She may be initially disappointed but will respect you in the long run.

 

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Long distance love: trials and challenges

By  Amara (submitted by Favor)

Challenging and difficult! Though these may not be the words we want to hear, but the reality is that these are the words that best describe long distance relationships. Please note this, I did not say impossible, but challenging and difficult. I have noticed that in our culture as Africans, women suffer more when it comes to long distance relationships.

A long distance relationship is not different from any other relationship. It is as unique as every other relationship we get involved in. The only difference is that unlike other relationships, you will not have the privilege of seeing your partner as often as you desire. In that regard LDR does not help the intimacy aspect of your relationship. Another important thing, the issue of trust is an indispensable factor which must be taken into consideration before settling for a long distance relationship.

I decided to have this in the women’s column because in our Nigerian context, we are the ones at the receiving end when it comes to long distance relationship. In our country Nigeria, I see marriages in which a woman is made to stay for as long as ten years without setting her eyes on her man. The man who lives abroad comes home to get himself a wife because according to him, the Nigerian woman in the Diaspora have lost their distinctive Nigerian cultural perspectives and therefore are not good materials for marriage. You know every typical Nigerian wants a woman he can sit on and remote control and this has always been their major reason for coming back home to get a wife.

Most of these guys have had multiple marriages to different women in the West. When you see how our people live abroad (I don’t envy them), you will get to understand me better. Many are trapped; yes they live in the UK and USA, but you live a better life than they do. They get into marriages with much older women because they must have shelter over their heads and good food to eat. Many get married just to obtain a Green Card. They do all these and so much more to Nigerian for you.

I feel so sad when I see what some Nigerian ladies go through in the name of long distance relationships. I feel sad because our ladies are yet to begin to reason right. December is just by the corner and so many of these guys are warming up to come back and sweep you off your feet with chocolates, perfumes picked from Liverpool and Finsbury markets in London. Trust our guys coming from the USA, when they speak, they sound more American than the Americans themselves; and with all the bling-bling and fake designer wears, you see yourself falling for them. Some of these guys come home with lovely rides which they obtained under questionable conditions; either from a car hire or insurance. Ladies, shine your eyes. Not all that glitters is gold.

By the time they arrive in Naija, you get carried away and you break-up with your boyfriend with whom you have built a good foundation and are sure of, for a total stranger you know nothing about. Some of these JJC (Johnny Just Come) may even come from Morocco or Equatorial Guinea and will lie to you with confidence that they live in the USA, the UK, or Canada. Before you know what is happening, you have started singing the love songs to their ears. In the course of all these, you believe their lies and surrender your body to them which they exploit. Yes, you may have been introduced to him by his cousin or your friend, but should that make you a fool?

I used to think it was only the illiterates in our villages that fell for these guys, but now I see bankers and Lawyers who have fallen victims. I have had the privilege to meet with ladies who are doing so well in their chosen careers, but are constantly in tears because of this issue. I know a top banker here in Lagos who is a victim: for years now she and her lovely children have been abandoned here in Nigeria because she got involved with a man without asking questions to know his true identity. She laments about her ordeal and how she even travelled overseas to see him only for the man to ignore her and the kids. So many of them get back here and tell you they are married, but the marriage is to a white lady. You foolishly make yourself available as the black wife. You know what, as long as they live in that country and want to make it, they must be married to them .Why should you even try to get married to a man who is not single, divorced,or widowed? The so called big girls are the ones falling for these men because by the time they get into your bank and you are able to see the status of their account, you lose your senses.

There is this other banker who had a very decent man asking for her hand in marriage. The man who happened to be a very dedicated Christian made it clear to her that he wasn’t going to sleep with her before marriage. This became her problem, just like the ladies of today who believe they must sleep with a man before getting married to him. I expected this banker to even thank God for such a man who did not come to exploit her body. This lady insisted on sleeping with him but the man kept his integrity. Before we knew what was happening, she got pregnant for another guy; a JJC who had just returned to from the USA. This left the man who was so much in love with her devastated. Months later, she got married to her Yankee lover. A month after the marriage, he left Nigeria for his base.Girls, that was the last we heard of him; and it has been nine years. The other guy is happily married with two kids. The lady is now all over the place complaining. I feel for her sometimes, but that is what she brought upon herself. We should ask God for a discerning spirit.

Maybe, you enjoy the fact that your Yankee guy sends enough cash to you with different kinds of exotic rides; but you know that in the midst of all those things, there is still a vacuum and an inner yearning for love. I have experienced it and I know what I am talking about. Nothing! I mean no amount of comfort can take the place of love, true love. You are probably enjoying the whole thing because it gives you the opportunity to live anyhow or because you were never in love with him.

Some good women who are not even exposed are made to go back to the village and stay with the husband’s family. Some of them bring their relations to live with the woman in Lagos where she functions as his manager in business. The man is over there enjoying himself with other women and making babies all over the place while you are made to sit with his mother and siblings. Is that the kind of life you want to live? Is that God’s plan for marriage? Believe it or not, sex is a very necessary tool in the bonding of two souls. You can never be fulfilled in marriage without good sex.

I know so many people found themselves in this kind of relationship, not out of greed, but out of ignorance. You were pushed into it by forces beyond your control. If you are not yet married, please create time to talk about some issues with him and be sure you can handle it before taking that step. If you are someone like me who cherishes attention more than money, I advise you quit before regrets set in. If you cannot trust yourselves, there is no point getting into it because it will cause you more pain than ever.

Trust is a necessity if you chose to have your relationship from a distance. Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness. I know you are desperate for marriage, but please be careful and constantly remind yourself that God did not give a particular age for marriage. A man who is yours will come and he will love you despite your age, look, and past life. I have started seeing some of them in town, they are going to do everything possible to deceive you, but girl, you can choose not to be deceived.Dont be so much in a haste to have a total stranger put a ring on your finger and take you to the altar this Christmas. Give yourself time to understudy him. I always advise my friends not to allow any marriage until they see their papers and travel documents ready. Those who took to this advice are happily married and living with their men abroad.

I repeat it again; God’s plan for you is not for a man to come here, get married to you and then leave you for his mother and siblings. God’s plan is for you to be one in body, soul, and spirit with your own husband. His plan is not for you to be married to a beautiful mansion and lovely cars. His plan is not for you to keep other men by the corner to service you and pretend all is well. Get this into your ears young lady, God’s design for marriage is a true union of the body, soul, and spirit where you live under the same roof with your own husband and share your bodies with one another. Think about this and make the right choice.

 

Amara, the Author